Zompacalypse: How to avoid being undead chow


With a new season of the wildly popular show “The Walking Dead,” a new “Resident Evil” movie and game and 5K zombie-themed races popping up all across the nation (including locally in Tracy) it appears that zombies have infected more than its would be victims, but rather pop culture itself.

Part of the appeal of this sub genre of horror is the survivalist fantasy that it constantly presents.

What if the dead decided to get all uppity in their graves.

What would we do to stop them?

With a little help from valuable resources such as Max Brooks “Zombie Survival Guide” and Columbus’s own Rule book from the movie “Zombieland” we’ve compiled an abridged guide to survive a potential zombie outbreak.


Whenever someone starts fantasizing their personal survival plan it usually involves raiding the local sporting goods store, arming ones self to the tooth than fortifying in a mall,Target or location that is open and easy to get in and out of.

That plan is nice and dandy, but it’s also going to be the first thing to come to everyone else’s mind.

Zombies, if anything are consistent.

They are slow, dim and single minded.

Humans, on the other hand, are a different story. Movies don’t make the living the true danger just to evoke social commentary. Other people can be a threat to you more than the zombies ever will.


The San Joaquin Valley puts us in a natural disadvantage.

Stockton in particular, would most likely fall to an outbreak within 72 hours.

Considering downtown’s increased night life and the first attacks and infection being buried under the noise of it’s constant crime.

All the surrounding areas would succumb quicker than you think within the panic.

Most people would flee in hopes of getting off the main land through the Bay Area.

This would be a sure death sentence, with many others attempting the same thing, and many would be already bitten or full on infected.

Interstate 5 and Highway 99 would be nothing but an impacted bottled in trap.

On top of that in all rationale the outbreak would most likely be at its strongest at such a strong city of commerce and small tight streets such as San Francisco.

One point about the valley that is missed is that what we may lack in natural fortification we make up for in our rich agricultural base.

The farm land outside the cities is distanced enough from the populous that the infected congestion should be manageable.

If forced to find shelter within a larger city; keep a low profile, keep quiet, find a strong two story house and destroy the staircase.

You can climb, they can’t. Remember that no place is safe, just safer.


Double taps and boom sticks!

According to Hollywood the ultimate weapons of zombie mass destruction would be a double-barrel shot gun and a chainsaw.

While both sound fantastic all they truly do is weigh you down and advertise your location and presence something fierce.

Remember blades and bludgeons do not need reloading and are quiet.

That’s vital to the situation at hand and because lightsabers don’t exist your best bet would be a katana or trust trejo approved machete.

Optimal firearms would be small caliber rifles, that are low on weight and stop an itchy trigger finger.

Wear leather and tight fitting clothes along with a short haircut, that way there’s nothing to some walker to grasp at or sink their teeth easily into.

Night of the Living Dead (1968): The one that started it all. The original black and white classic, still the scariest of director George Romero’s zombie saga. A 1990 remake of the flick has a great reference to Stockton.

Dawn of the Dead (1979): Many people consider this the greatest zombie film ever made. It follows four souls who hunker down in a mall for refuge during the undead uprising. Romero’s sequel is full of gore, comedy and brilliant social commentary. Even the 2004 remake is quite good, showing the strength of the original concept.

Lucio Fulci’s Zombie (1979): This Italian film capitalized on the success of “Dawn,” even going so far as claiming itself a sequel. While it’s nowhere near as good, it makes up with incredibly intense gore, an awesome score and the now infamous Zombie vs. Shark scene.
Return of the Living Dead (1985): If anything, this Punk Rock-fueled farce is the movie to set the whole “zombies want your brains” trope.

Day of the Dead (1985): The final film of Romero’s original trilogy lacks the bite of it’s predecessors on first watch. It really grows on you with it’s incredible effects and concept that in the end the undead might contain more humanity than we would.

Dead Alive (1993): Before he went on to make the brilliant Lord of the Rings Trilogy, director Peter Jackson graces audiences with quite possibly the goriest movie ever made.

Shaun of the Dead (2004): By far the funniest of the films on this list. Edgar Wright’s poking love letter to the genre mocks and embraces while still delivering all the gore and commentary we’ve come to expect