Ignorant film reviews based solely on my ridiculously fast and loose first impressions
They say don’t judge a book by its cover, but who has time to read every single book?
In fact, I haven’t read more than a single paragraph in any book since 1997 when I threw ‘Cat In The Hat’ by Dr. Seuss against the wall and said “Make it a movie or I ain’t buyin’ it!”
My words have since come back to haunt me with the fall of Blockbuster and the rise of corporate streaming services.
Gone are the days of uniform boxes in white, with blue trim and large bold fonts over a yellow logo.
I only have time to watch hours of 30 second clips at a time these days! So I say, judge every movie by its poster.
If you disagree with any of these reviews, please understand that all of my findings are backed by the latest science performed nightly in my bedroom, alone with a bottle of Sailor Jerry.
You cannot argue with the facts.
Everything Everywhere All at Once
I rented this while drunk in a Motel 6. It was not the kind of movie I wanted, but it turned out to be the movie I needed. I found the other thing I was looking for afterwards.
CREED III
To be honest, there are so many Assassin’s Creed video games at this point I lost track. I doubt the movies will get me interested at this point.
PLANE
I mean, what do you want me to say? It’s another Gerald Butler action film. I could make a pun about how plain this idea is, but the title does that for me. Have not seen this. I am willing to bet it’s worthy of the score: 1.5/5
Cocaine Bear
What’s better than nature? Nature on drugs. Boom. Nature Accelerated; which sounds like a tagline for Monster Energy Organic series.
MEGAN
Karen’s daughter seeks revenge on Starbucks for the incorrect execution of her Upside Skinny Caramel Macchiato? Sounds scary.
No, it wasn’t about that. It’s about a creepy doll doing creepy dances and some murder gets mixed in. Unintentionally funny!
You
A Netflix original series. I saw the first season by accident. A nice woman I was dating was obsessed with you. No, not you. ‘You’. Anyway, ‘You’ is not for me.
Yellowstone
I love National Geographic. However, Super volcanos are my 7th largest fear. Pass.
Babylon
My mom is into bible stories so I took her to see this. Not what I thought. Interesting movie, lots of 1920’s intercourse. Great story, but it was uncomfortable sitting next to my mother through this for 3 hours.
Smile
No thanks. And you’re not my dad so don’t tell me what to do.
Infinity Pool
What’s the only thing more terrifying than the depths of the ocean? A big-ass pool.
Because nothing is scarier than drowning forever and ever and ever.
The Last of Us
A prequel to History Channel’s Life After People, probably. That’s one mushroom trip I’m willing to take again.
Glass Onion
Onions make people cry. Glass is dangerous. Cinderella, Queen of the meth!
I tried but I have nothing for this one. What else do you want from me?
Kaleidoscope
Another Netflix original series with an obscure name. Next time pick a better toy to name it after. Kaleidoscope’s suck. If I got one of these as a gift, I would light it on fire to spite you. For that reason alone, I refuse to watch this show.
