How do you say “I love you?”
For some, it’s hours in the kitchen. It billows like steam from the oven as a treat made from scratch bakes. Hours of laminating dough and tempering chocolate for a tart that your partner had mentioned off hand.
For others, it’s quiet moments shared in solitude. Just the simple act of spending time together is enough to convey their love.
Perhaps just saying the words is enough.
While it seems fairly intuitive, this specific framework of romantic expression is a more recent development.The five love languages, developed by pastor Gary Chapman and outlined in his 1992 book, “The Five Love Languages,” proposes that each person has a preferred method of conveying and receiving adoration.
The five languages outlined by Chapman are acts of service, quality time, receiving gifts, physical touch and words of affirmation. They are not mutually exclusive, you can like all of them or even not have a preference — but knowing whether your partner does can be important.
“It’s really about opening a line of communication, so that you’re speaking the ‘language’ for your partner, for them to feel loved,” said Melissa Neal who is a professor of psychology at Delta College.
Neal often uses the framework in her classes, having students take online quizzes to determine which love language best suits them.
Chapman’s languages have quickly found themselves in common usage. They are in many ways the poster child of relationship “science” even being used in governmental work such as a 2014 initiative by the Australian government that used the approach to try and curb family breakdowns.
But could the five languages truly be the key to right a sinking (relation)ship? Some researchers don’t seem to think so.
An article by Emily A. Impett, Haeyoung Gideon Park, and Amy Muise in the January 2024 issue of “Current Directions in Psychological Science” warns against simplistic views of relationships.
“As relationship scientists, our aim is to dispel the notion that there is a simple and straightforward fix for improving relationships,” the trio wrote.
However, Just because it won’t fix your problems overnight doesn’t mean it’s entirely without merit.
“Do I think this is completely comprehensive and helps every relationship? No,” said Neal. “But on a very fundamental sense it’s opening up lines of communication for partners”
The five languages of love are likely not a shortcut to perfect relationship bliss, you probably aren’t one internet quiz away from wedding bells.
But it doesn’t hurt to ask, before you head into the kitchen to make that tart it might be best to ask your partner what sounds good.
“If you’re trying to say this is perfect science and it’s gonna work every time. of course not,” said Neal. “It’s not a cure-all.”
