Growing up if something would happen to my boy cousins as in hurting themselves while playing, I couldn’t ask them if they were okay. Instead, I would be told to leave him alone.
But when it came to my girl cousins, if they were okay after hurting themselves playing was okay to ask them.
Does doing this does this hinder him to hide his emotions as he gets older?
Why is it okay for girls to cry but not boys?
These subtle nudges that seemingly removed feeling from male roles are now something I question, particularly when considering conditioning of children into gender roles. Does crying equate to weakness? That was the indication.
Dr. Melissa Neal, a Professor of Psychology at San Joaquin Delta College, answered questions via email who works in the Social Science and Education and public services department at Delta and teaches psychology.
“Men and boys are told not to cry for a variety of reasons,” she said. “There are both sex roles (innate differences between biological males and biological females) and gender roles.”
While there is indication that there are not as many differences in these roles as we’d think, society still socializes based on those perceptions.
“Studies have found that there are actually very few differences in sex roles and there are way more similarities between biological males and females. However, when it comes to gender roles, we have conditioned children differently,” Neal said.
Is this a culture difference or do all cultures do this?
Neal said that cultures around the world expect men to be strong, specifically as “hunters” or “providers.” The idea is to “not show weakness.”
“An example of this early conditioning, or teaching of behaviors, is that we say things to little boys like, ‘Wow! Look how strong you are!,’ whereas we say things to little girls like, ‘Wow! Look how sweet you are!,” she wrote.
When boys are told not to cry, Neal said it is because the message is that “that shows weakness isn’t congruent with the gender role of a man. We can see these gender roles in society, the media and passed down generationally.”
That’s not a good thing.
Neal continues to say “ Those types of statements teach the children how to behave, or in what ways they are expected to behave.
It teaches boys from a young age that they should be tough and strong. Part of that message is to not cry, because that shows weakness and isn’t congruent with the gender role of a man.
We can see these gender roles in society, the media, and passed down generationally.
“Psychologists would generally agree that teaching boys and men NOT to cry or express emotion is very detrimental. As humans, we a full range of emotions. Being told to not express a natural feeling of sadness or being scared, in turn can lead to other acting out behaviors or further the sadness.”
The gender roles also may stop men from accepting or seeking help because it, too, could be seen as a weakness, said Neal.
“We see that men don’t seek out mental health care as much as women, often because of these gender roles. They may believe it shows weakness or it’s not “manly” to go to therapy. When in reality it’s the complete opposite,” Neal said.
“Crying is a natural expression of emotion. For men/boys to be told to not cry teaches them that their feelings aren’t valid and they are wrong to have those feelings,” said Neal.“Rather than allow men/boys to express their feelings, many have been told that they need to hide them.”
Not all males are conditioned to believe crying or showing emotion is bad. Student Davis Dotson said those actions can be beneficial for development. “It will help them feel out their emotions and be a better man later in life no matter what situation that they are going through,” said Dotson.
Waleed Abdullahraul noted the perception of weakness in showing too much emotion. “I think men can’t show too much emotion because people will judge a man as someone who’s weak,” said Abdullahraul “Even though times have changed I think biologically we are still wired to see men as leaders who need to be strong enough to carry their own weight.”
Views can be different when it comes to young boys and how they are able to express themselves.
Some say yes, some say no, but there is more here to think about when it comes to impact in the long-run.
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