‘Silent’ illness of depression creates loud echoes on body and mind
Wake up at noon. Gasp for air in a sigh of relief. Relish the first few moments of consciousness in gratitude that you didn’t die in your sleep, and realize this feeling is fleeting as the sudden dread of another day of existence follows suit.
Lay in bed for another hour in the dark silence.
Boot your computer and stare at the screen that stares back into your tender soul. Keep the curtains drawn so that not even God himself may see the ugliness inside of your spaceship on its collision course downward into Hell. Depression is the loneliest sense of isolation, no matter how many people you surround yourself with.
The American Psychiatry Association describes depression as “a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act.” As medically accurate as this vague statement is, I feel it misses the spirit of the bigger picture.
I often feel trapped inside of a white room made of bone, gazing outward into the world watching the people pass by and the body I inhabit reacts to these moments accordingly. It is the imposter and I am its captivated parasite.
I am the faceless entity viewing reruns of the past choices that have been attributed to me, that have humiliated me. In here I am alone and haunted by the whisper of my demons laughing at the echoes of my past.
Waves of hyper-control and mania followed by days and weeks of disassociation in an alien-land. Depression feels like being a stranger in familiar places and being home-sick for a home that I have never visited. Maybe I was never invited-in to begin with.
Comedian, character-actor, director and writer Jim Carrey speaks out about his own struggle with depression in an interview with Outstanding Screenplays. “I don’t exist, so uh- they’re all characters I played,” Carrey continues. “I played the guy that was free from concern so that people that watched me would be free from concern,” he says, describing his own persona.
When I was a child I assumed I woke-up in a world alone and depression was an entity with malicious intent. As I grew older and found other perspectives, I have learned this is not the case at all. Malice would attribute something of higher complex thought: Planning and deceiving with a purpose.
“The difference between depression and sadness is; sadness is just from happenstance. Whatever happened or didn’t happen for you, or grief or whatever it is. And depression is your body saying, ‘f**k you, I don’t want to be this character anymore. I don’t want to hold up this avatar that you’ve created in the world. It’s too much for me’,” Jim Carrey explains regarding the mechanisms of depression.
Depression itself is so cold, that it is indifferent to us entirely. It is an unconscious mind-worm. A strange phenomenon that co-exists with the human experience. Depression is not a demon, because even a demon feels justified in its wrath against all things righteous. No, depression just is, and it hurts constantly. It is an invisible aliment that plagues its hosts into more serious illnesses.
Heather Bradford works as a counselor at Delta within the Counseling and Special Services Division. When asked about the depression, Bradford explains as follows:
“Depression is an illness that is silent, because no one can really see it.” She compares this illness to injuries like broken bones, abrasions, lacerations, etc… “It’s something that’s an illness that you can’t really see. You can only really see the symptoms of it,” Bradford explains.
The term “depression” is often interchangeably misused in a variety of ways to describe sadness, grief and other extreme emotions. “It is a term a lot of people tend to use very loosely to describe a very wide spectrum of emotions. Same thing with anxiety, that’s a diagnosable, clinical disorder,” Bradford said.
Additionally, there are assessments that can be done in private or with a counselor. Bradford encourages students to reach out. “There are ways to do a self assessment. That’s just a guideline that a person would use to then have a way to know [if they] need to talk to someone,” Bradford explained.
“Someone can be depressed for a period of time but because they haven’t talked about it, they haven’t really expressed it to anyone because of the stigma behind it or maybe they feel ashamed, or they’re feeling that if [they] talk about it, no one will really get it. They’ll just tell [the affected person] to get over it or it’s all in [their] head. Unfortunately there’s a lot of stigma around mental health conditions including depression,” Bradford said, encouraging people and students in need to reach out.
The counseling department at Delta can not only make assessments, but can also offer counseling and help connect students to resources such as therapy on campus and/or within the community. “All of the counselors at Delta College are masters trained counselors. We are not therapists, but we have a basic ability to do personal counseling,” Bradford said.
As for myself, I have been diagnosed with moderate to severe depression, chronic anxiety, and PTSD. Whether you are someone that has been diagnosed, is seeking a diagnosis or have general grief; if you need help please reach out to someone. The greatest lie my depression has ever told to me was; “I do not exist.” After all, how can anyone seek help for an injury that is completely fabricated?
For more information you can reach out to the counseling department at: (209) 954-5151
If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of self harm or happens to be in crisis, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or dial 911.
At your darkest moment you are not alone, and neither am I. Someone loves you even when you feel unloved. Be kind to yourself, and please take care.